5 Tips To Offer A Meaningful Apology

All of us go through different situations, make multiple relationships, and face various challenges throughout our lives. As we all have different perspectives, thoughts, behaviour patterns, and ideas, among many other things, we are bound to experience difficulties and conflicts along the way.

In a utopian world, everyone would feel the same way, which would lead to no disagreements. At first glance, the idea of this sounds wonderful, however, taking another look at this would bring about a feeling of boredom. There would be no sense of innovation, no disagreements, and no learning. This article will explore the importance of an apology and how to do it in a way that is sincere and meaningful.

When Are Apologies Required?

Throughout our lives, we create relationships with others and bonds that are based on shared values and beliefs. The nature of our bonds with different people (family, friends, partner, etc.) may be different from each other, but each of them holds its unique importance.

When a difficulty arises that challenges the bonds we have with others, it can lead to a misunderstanding because of poor communication. When misunderstandings happen between those we deem close to us, it is bound to bring hurt to us and them.

Sometimes we are aware of what we may have said or done to hurt the other person, we may know where we went wrong. Other times, in the heat of the moment, we may not realise what would have hurt the other person. While we may believe that the other person doesn't understand us, the other person might also be feeling the same thing.

Imagine a relationship as a rope, where conflicts can create knots that cause pain and tension. Over time, additional knots can form, whether intentionally or unintentionally, further complicating the relationship. However, offering an apology can serve as a way to untangle these knots and create space for a healthier and more harmonious relationship.

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Why Is It Important To Apologise?

Have you heard this saying – “In friendships, there are no sorry's and thank you's”? While it is a catchy phrase, it has an adverse effect on any relationship we have in our lives. When a conflict, argument, or misunderstanding happens, there are unpleasant responses which can bring hurt, pain, and sorrow to both parties. It is vital to take responsibility for where we went wrong for multiple reasons.

Keeps Self-Respect Intact

During a conflict, words can pierce and apologising is a way to soften the blow that the words have. The hurt that comes with a fight has the potential to hit someone’s sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-respect. Apologising allows you to acknowledge that and take the first step to mending it.

Builds Character

Making the effort to apologise puts you in a vulnerable position and not only paves the way for you to reinforce to the other person that they are important to you, but also helps you become more empathetic. Knowing when you do something wrong and accepting it makes you a stronger person.

Deepens The Bond

Apologising loosens the knots in the relationship. What this does is, it shows the other person how much you value them. This reinforcement is important in a relationship that we feel is important in our lives. Through this, you both understand each other better and find ways to deal with challenges in a more empathetic way in the future.

Apologising Is A Way To Soften The Blow That Words Had In A Conflict

How To Apologise Meaningfully

Apologising requires courage and strength to own up to where we went wrong. It is not to degrade our thoughts and actions but to make sure we find better ways of stating our point, especially to maintain the respect of others and ourselves. Here are some ways to make an apology meaningful and sincere.

Don’t Make Excuses

When you have made the decision to take responsibility for your response, it is important to show the same to the person you are apologising to. Say you are sorry without feeling the need to talk about where they went wrong and how that related to the way you responded. In a way, making excuses shifts the blame to the other person and makes the apology look forced or unnecessary.

Reflect And Respond

Before you apologise, try to understand what you could have said or done and how that impacted the person you are apologising to. Take a moment to introspect as to what specific thing left a mark on the other person and mention it in your apology.

For example – ‘I am sorry for sounding rude and cold, it happens sometimes in the heat of the moment and I don’t realise when that shift happens.’

Take Responsibility

When the time comes to say sorry, it is easy to fall into the pattern of pointing out what they did to instigate your response. For an apology to be genuine, it is important to take responsibility for yourself, rather than feel you are responsible for pointing out what they did too. This can lead to an explosive conversation and more hurt.

Actively Listen

Here is where you need to muster up some courage. When an apology is needed, the other person may point out where you went wrong, and during this time it is easy for it to feel like a personal attack. However, more often than not, behind the words there is concern and love. Gather up your strength and truly listen to what the other person is trying to tell you. After all, we only apologise to people we love or deem close to us.

Don’t Be Afraid To Ask

Sometimes, a situation can arise where despite reflecting, you really are not sure as to what hurt the person, but you know something went wrong. When this happens, start with a simple – "I’m sorry, I understand that I have hurt you and it was not my intention". Then ask them what it was specifically. It is important to get clarity about what it was that impacted the person. It helps you understand more about yourself and the other person.

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An Experience I Learnt From

Let me tell you a quick, personal story. My best friend and I have been through a lot together. We went up and down a rollercoaster, screaming, laughing and crying together. However, there was a time where I was going through a particularly difficult time, which made me respond and behave in ways that were not the best for me. My actions kept building up, along with her frustration.

I did not bring it up for a week or so because I didn't want to deal with the conflict that would come my way, however, there was only so much she could handle. So one day, we got into a fight, things were said, feelings were exchanged, and it left it’s mark. Once the heat settled down, we both shared our concerns and realised where we went wrong. We spent some time apologising sincerely for the pain we caused one another.

Around five years have passed since that fight, we haven't had a conflict since then, because that experience taught us better ways in which to deal with frustrations that come with any relationship. The larger benefit is that once we dealt with it, we got so much closer because we both took responsibility for where we went wrong. When it comes from a genuine place, the changes happen almost instantly.

In any relationship, a conflict or disagreement is inevitable. What matters more is how one deals with it. If it has led to pain and hurt, it is important to make amends for it. It brings people closer and helps in dealing with future disagreements in a healthier way.

Contrary to popular beliefs, apologising when necessary makes you a stronger person, not a weaker one. This is because it takes strength and courage to own up to your mistakes and take steps to change those unhelpful behaviours.

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Ichha Bhan is a counselling psychologist, and personal growth coach. She holds over five years of hands-on experience in working with children and adolescents, helping them and their parents navigate shared emotions, and the challenges of growing up.